I have realized that I have no idea what I want in life anymore. I have no idea how to move on from where I am right now. I have no clue how to fix myself up and regain confidence in myself. I don’t know what to think about the past two years of my life.. I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m just stuck here. I don’t know how to get rid of this aching hurt or at least lessen it.. I’m completely lost; I’m drowning in the water and I’ve forgotten how to swim.. And what scares me the most is that I’ve lost all reason to swim. I’ve lost my drive, my desire for everything. I’ve lost myself in all this rubble.. and it feels as though the searchers have given up..
Can’t focus on anything. There’s way too many things going on in my life. My mental and physical limits are beyond their maximum limits. Mentally, I can’t think straight. I have to slow everything down just to concentrate on a simple thing. My emotional state is messed up. Most of the time, I’m low. I’m so low that I feel absolutely nothing anymore.. And when I do feel something is hurt or anger. I can’t be at peace at myself because I hate everything about myself right now.. I don’t even know how to handle myself. I can just sit and cry for hours and feel no relief.. The only excitement I have is for this house.. Something that’s mine.. It won’t push me away or tear me apart. Even this excitement is getting old. I’m losing interest in everything. I feel as though I’ve lost my entire self identity and worth. Honestly, it’s a good day if drag myself out of bed and get ready.. Lately, I’ve just been rolling out of bed, no makeup and hair not done.
Everything is just spinning around me, nonstop. I’m trying to study for this CNA class, and I can’t remember anything I read. I can only read for 2-3 mins at a time and I have to stop.. Physically: I’m puking daily. Still eating, still have an appetite 40% of the time. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, sick. My face is breaking out, very badly. I have sores on the inside of my mouth from stress. I guess losing this weight is a plus. the only thing I have found that has helped me take my mind off of things and makes me feel decent is hangout with my friends.. I know I’ll get through this.. It’s really freaking hard, but time will be the only healer. -MHC
I’ve never felt so distant from the world as I have these couple of weeks. I feel as though I am completely on my own, but in all reality, I’m not alone at all. I have a great friend who would do anything for me and a pretty great family. I know I am going overboard and I’ve been acting dramatic.. I have been eating nothing but junk.. Ive just done a lot of things that I haven’t done in 2 years.. and it feels great to not feel guilty or have to lie to anyone about it.. but I know it wont be like this forever. Its a phase. My ex has realized that he really cares for me and our relationship meant a whole deal of a lot, and in all honestly, it feels pretty damn great to have someone chasing me back. I’m just done with putting in effort when things just aren’t working out.
I have realized that him and I are two completely different people and want two completely different things in life. Our opinion on life is different and our feelings towards a lot of things are different too. It almost feels like when answering the question: Is the glass half full or half empty.. We are looking at two different glasses, two different worlds. Imagine that.
Its been absolutely forever since I have written anything except for lists…lists to remember, to forget, and to keep me insane 99% of the time. The past three weeks have been probably the most stressful times that I have EVER had in my life. Within these weeks, I have been in the process of reconnecting with myself. I have realized so much about who I really am and who I want to be. My life has done a complete 180. Its insane. I am now moved back in with my parents and in the process of buying a house of my own. I have been hanging out with a couple of old friends and starting to become really close to them. Another list? okay. I have realized…
-I absolutely hate, I mean despise, being controlled by anyone at all.. I want to be able to do what I want to do whenever I want to do it.
-I need a relationship that i based on; trust and understanding
-I don’t want to live an uptight lifestyle. I want to feel my freedom.-I want to push my rights to the edge.. to the limits.. my freedom of speech, silence.. everything!
-My friends are quite very important to me and I will never let them go again.
-I want to be able to be selfish.
-This life is way to special to spend anytime on BS.
– I hardly know anything about myself anymore because I changed myself to make someone else happy so they would be with me. I really hate that. I hate that I’m thinking about what someone else would think or say when I’m making a choice for myself.
I feel pretty messed up.. but I’m starting from rock freaking bottom and I’m building a mountain! I don’t need anyone who doesn’t need me.. So I’m back blogging.. and this is honestly the greatest feeling in the world right here. ❤
As I’m sitting here, waiting for my tea to brew, I cant help but to think over my life as it is right now.. Let me catch you up… Last week, I took a CNA class, all 40 hours of it. I learned everything I need to know to be a great CNA, and now the next 2 weeks I get to be taught how to be one, all 75 hours of it. Last night was my first night on the floor, and really, its not that bad. The nursing home that I’m working in isn’t all by the book, and I’m trying very hard to not let it eat me to the bone. Its nothing that I can’t change once I’m working independently. Most of the residents are great, of course there is some that are hard to take care of, but that’s anywhere. I’m just excited to broaden my own mind. No, I have not wiped a buttock yet. I have not fully gotten my hands dirty, but its coming. Soon enough, and I’m not rushing it. I’m very ready to be independent, so that I can do things the correct way, I just need to focus on everything I need to do so I don’t forget anything.
I have a theory, that its all mental and about where your mindset it. If you don’t care about something, you are not going to do your personal best. If you decided that no matter what happens, you are going to do what you can and get things done the right way, not the “easy” way, then you will. These are people’s lives we are talking about here! As a hairdresser/nail tech, if I mess up (except if I seriously hurt someone) I say, “Its just hair! It will grow!” But with elderly and residents in general (no matter the age) its their lives that are in our hands.
Figuring out the future is so difficult with so many factors involved. In seven years when I am twenty-six, no one has any idea what this world is going to be like. This Obama care will
probably be gone hopefully be gone, and who knows where we will be or go by then. So trying to make a plan now is quite pointless, but being me, my mind is going to do it anyways. So right now, I have decided that I’m going to take one day at a time, to focus on the most important things, and to get through these 2 weeks, because after that I’ll be in Florida! Haha. Then I’ll be able to independently work on the floor and do things the right way. Pretty exciting, I’d say. Well, I’m off to put my face on and my scrubs.. -MHC