These past 2 weeks have seriously been the worst weeks I’ve had in a very long time. Starting it out my car ended up in a super big ditch. Lucky no one was hurt and my car ended up fine. It took 2 trucks and 45 minutes to pull my car out. Thank God for friends, right?
I also fell on the ice and busted my knee open. So it has been bruised and trying to heal up for almost a week now. Lastly, a super close friend of mine hurt me really bad. I’m not going to go into details, but I’m over it and I have a plan. I think I’m turning out to be crazier than I thought I was. I’m planning on brutally ripping his heart out of his chest. Its going to take months, but I’m going to make him wish I would have just killed him. Killing him would be way too nice. Putting him out of misery, I’ll pass. (:
I also passed my CNA test. I have an interview Tuesday and I know I’m getting the job. I’m so excited to be busting my butt for actually good money. I’m so tired of living pay check to pay check.. But do you know what? I’m doing it! On my own.
My ex told me once that I’d never be able to make it on my own, and that was buried into my head.
I am proving him wrong every single day! (:
I havnt wrote in what seems like forever.. I’ve lost the sight of what I am and what I want to be. Nothing is more beautiful than life right now. Everything seems to be in it’s place except for the “love” part of my life.. Which in all reality, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m okay with being alone. Yes, I do want a beautiful family in the future, but right now, I’m okay with doing me. I honestly wish I could start over the past 2 years and do it differently.
Maybe Zach and I would have turned out different, and ended differently or not at all. Maybe from the Begining, we would have realized that we are no good for eachother. But anything could have happened if you sit here and play with the “what ifs”, but I do it all the time. I do miss our memories terribly, but I know that there will be more to come.. And that’s what life is, passing memories. I have figured out who I am. I’m in the process of piecing myself back together.. But then I have flashbacks..
the smell of him; coming home from work and finding himself sleeping on the couch, riding bicycles to largo and back, my first run with him, first everything..
and this makes me extremely upset.. And I feel as though if he would, we could be beautiful again.. But then I remember the bad, and I just go back to being depressed.. Then I look at what I have.. People around me who love me, a faster growing career, and myself. And this exact moment, I remember who I am and what I want from this world. This moment, I’m content with myself. These moments, I’m growing the love for myself I need so badly..these moments, I find the happiness I need; the light in the dark. 💜-MHC
The thing is.. I don’t want fun. I don’t want games. I don’t want a fling or to be the other girl. I want to be a top priority, the one and only. I want to be loved by someone, not infatuated by someone.. I just want something real.. ❤ MHC
Maybe one day I’ll find that guy for me.. A Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet and love me unconditionally. Maybe he will understand me, forwards and backwards.. Maybe he will have the same way of thinking as me.. Maybe I already met him.. Maybe I’ve messed everything up, including my chance to ever find happiness in my love life. I guess only the stars know.. (:
The loneliness has set in.. I miss being able to tell someone all of my thoughts and feelings.. I now am pushing everyone away.. I can’t take this stress anymore.. In 8 days, I’ll have a house.. Great, something to distract me from myself. Lately, I’ve been spending my free time alone. Yes, I still socialize but not like before. I can’t wait to have a stable place that I can call my own and where i can just breathe.. It’s hard to find the words to say to even talk. I can’t even count how many times I’ve wrote long texts and didn’t have the guts to send them.. It would be so much easier if they’d text me first.. Just to show that all those words of caring and love just a couple weeks ago, hasn’t disappeared.. I guess time is my only partner now.. But is it even on my side? I guess we will find out..
What do you do when it feels as though it’s time to move on? When you are ready to stop being low and looking for something to make your feelings and thoughts go away.. At least for a little while. I believe that there comes a point when you need to let go, in order to protect yourself from getting hurt. Ultimately in the end, you are the only one who knows what’s best for you and who can protect you. It’s such a tough situation.. It rips my heart strings when I know he’s out with someone else.. And that’s something, that I need to get over.. I know I’m out with friends and he feels the same way.. Maybe it’s this stage in our breakup. Once I get this sorted through, then I can start working on myself, again.. Just the past couple days it has been awful dealing with this.. Soon enough, the universe will work itself out.. If we are meant to be soul mates, friends, or anything, we will.. Because it will workout on it’s own. (:
I have realized that I have no idea what I want in life anymore. I have no idea how to move on from where I am right now. I have no clue how to fix myself up and regain confidence in myself. I don’t know what to think about the past two years of my life.. I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m just stuck here. I don’t know how to get rid of this aching hurt or at least lessen it.. I’m completely lost; I’m drowning in the water and I’ve forgotten how to swim.. And what scares me the most is that I’ve lost all reason to swim. I’ve lost my drive, my desire for everything. I’ve lost myself in all this rubble.. and it feels as though the searchers have given up..