paint you by numbers & color you in <3

The last time I wrote, back in August, I thought my life had done a 180. It turns out I was completely wrong. I have no doubts about it. In May, I lost some who I believed was my world, my everything. I would have bent over backwards for him. I would have done anything for him. I didn’t think I could live without him, or I could be with someone else. I felt as though he was the thread holding me together. Its almost unreal when your limits are overwhelmed and you cant hold on anymore, how easy it is to say you’re leaving. It amazes me even more how hard it is to walk out with that last bag in your hand. Its amazing that even in closed mindedness, God gives you the strength to keep walking.

Several months later: It turns out that when you are so deep with someone, you wake up to the most brutal reality. The type of reality that feels like you’re dying or maybe, dying would hurt less. Laying on my kitchen floor, bottle in hand, and just like a light switch turning on, it hits you. It hits you right in the bottom of your gut, like a knife. You feel helpless and alone. Staring back at a stranger in your bathroom mirror, it hits you even harder. Thoughts soaring, “Why me? Is this my fault? Why did I leave?” Minutes later, at this particular point, you’ve hit rock-bottom and can no longer find life inside of you. God has to be watching because a second later, you see something in staring back at yourself. Thoughts and reasons come to your mind, “You deserve better. Certain things were not right. You deserve to be happy with someone who you make happy without trying.” Almost everything in my life is no longer the same as it was last May, 7 months ago.

He, of course, has moved on. The most heartbreaking thing about that is that he is with someone he said he despised. Someone he said disgusted him. Then you think, maybe he just needs someone to fulfill him. Then you think again, its not your problem; nothing you no longer have to deal with. So then you smile.

I have a house all to myself now. An empty, open, and lovely house with so much potential. Sometimes, it gets lonely, but its peaceful. My own little getaway. I’m getting a kitten soon. In just a couple weeks, it wont be so lonely. The only this is that I cant disappear for days at a time, Ill have to take care of it. I’m not complaining though, it will be good to be distracted.

I got myself fired from the salon Ive been at for a year and 6 months. I have missed a couple appointments within my time being there for multiple, legitimate reasons (car troubles/ alarm clock). A little over a week ago, I missed an appointment and they gave me 2 weeks to get my life together. I took that as, “in 2 weeks, you need to pack up your stuff”. So I started my search for a new salon. Thank God, I found one a couple days ago. I’m not starting there for a couple weeks though. So today, I missed another appointment thinking that it was at 11 am instead of 10 am. Oops. In summary, they had me pack up all of my things then. My whole entire career is in my living room.. At first, I was really mad and upset at myself. I had 2 more days, TWO and then I was out of there for good. I guess fate just couldn’t wait. I don’t think I really believe in fate, I just believe in God’s plan. But after crying and hitting my steering wheel during a 10 minute panic attack, I was fine.

I still have the job in the restaurant, so its not a huge deal right now. Soon, I wont even have that, Ill be doing CNA work. That’s when my life will be a full 360 within 8-9 months. I honestly, try my best to look at the positive side of things. Not that its what my goal was, but I’m independent now. I am almost 20 years old and I have 2 jobs, a car, a house, and soon a kitten. My mental state is whats getting the best of me. My mind goes a hundred miles an hour, constantly. Lack of sleep, motivation, and desire.. my depression likes to act up. I’m getting better control of it though, and currently trying to get control of my life. Its just hard, especially all I want to do is distract myself or be completely alone.. there’s no medium, no grey area. Was there ever a grey area in my life though? I don’t think so. On top of all of this, the adult life isn’t a walk in the park.

I don’t think God wants me to find love right now. I think he has bigger plans for me at the moment. You cant depend on hardly anyone these days. There always has to be lies and games. I know he just wants me to find happiness in myself.. And right now, I’m content with myself. I’m becoming comfortable with myself again, gaining confidence. Even though writing takes a lot of energy, it makes me feel so much better. It allows me to organize my thoughts and have direction with them. If anyone still reads this anymore, it will surprise me. Either way, I’m glad to get them out. I need to do it more often. ❤