Stuck in between

What do you do when it feels as though it’s time to move on? When you are ready to stop being low and looking for something to make your feelings and thoughts go away.. At least for a little while. I believe that there comes a point when you need to let go, in order to protect yourself from getting hurt. Ultimately in the end, you are the only one who knows what’s best for you and who can protect you. It’s such a tough situation.. It rips my heart strings when I know he’s out with someone else.. And that’s something, that I need to get over.. I know I’m out with friends and he feels the same way.. Maybe it’s this stage in our breakup. Once I get this sorted through, then I can start working on myself, again.. Just the past couple days it has been awful dealing with this.. Soon enough, the universe will work itself out.. If we are meant to be soul mates, friends, or anything, we will.. Because it will workout on it’s own. (:

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I have realized that I have no idea what I want in life anymore. I have no idea how to move on from where I am right now. I have no clue how to fix myself up and regain confidence in myself. I don’t know what to think about the past two years of my life.. I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m just stuck here. I don’t know how to get rid of this aching hurt or at least lessen it.. I’m completely lost; I’m drowning in the water and I’ve forgotten how to swim.. And what scares me the most is that I’ve lost all reason to swim. I’ve lost my drive, my desire for everything. I’ve lost myself in all this rubble.. and it feels as though the searchers have given up..

Take Caution: fragile

Can’t focus on anything. There’s way too many things going on in my life. My mental and physical limits are beyond their maximum limits. Mentally, I can’t think straight. I have to slow everything down just to concentrate on a simple thing. My emotional state is messed up. Most of the time, I’m low. I’m so low that I feel absolutely nothing anymore.. And when I do feel something is hurt or anger. I can’t be at peace at myself because I hate everything about myself right now.. I don’t even know how to handle myself. I can just sit and cry for hours and feel no relief.. The only excitement I have is for this house.. Something that’s mine.. It won’t push me away or tear me apart. Even this excitement is getting old. I’m losing interest in everything. I feel as though I’ve lost my entire self identity and worth. Honestly, it’s a good day if drag myself out of bed and get ready.. Lately, I’ve just been rolling out of bed, no makeup and hair not done.
Everything is just spinning around me, nonstop. I’m trying to study for this CNA class, and I can’t remember anything I read. I can only read for 2-3 mins at a time and I have to stop.. Physically: I’m puking daily. Still eating, still have an appetite 40% of the time. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, sick. My face is breaking out, very badly. I have sores on the inside of my mouth from stress. I guess losing this weight is a plus. the only thing I have found that has helped me take my mind off of things and makes me feel decent is hangout with my friends.. I know I’ll get through this.. It’s really freaking hard, but time will be the only healer. -MHC

I’ve got potential..

I’ve never felt so distant from the world as I have these couple of weeks. I feel as though I am completely on my own, but in all reality, I’m not alone at all. I have a great friend who would do anything for me and a pretty great family. I know I am going overboard and I’ve been acting dramatic.. I have been eating nothing but junk.. Ive just done a lot of things that I haven’t done in 2 years.. and it feels great to not feel guilty or have to lie to anyone about it.. but I know it wont be like this forever. Its a phase. My ex has realized that he really cares for me and our relationship meant a whole deal of a lot, and in all honestly, it feels pretty damn great to have someone chasing me back. I’m just done with putting in effort when things just aren’t working out.

I have realized that him and I are two completely different people and want two completely different things in life. Our opinion on life is different and our feelings towards a lot of things are different too. It almost feels like when answering the question: Is the glass half full or half empty..  We are looking at two different glasses, two different worlds. Imagine that.

Keep all hands and feet inside at all times..

Its been absolutely forever since I have written anything except for lists…lists to remember, to forget, and to keep me insane 99% of the time. The past three weeks have been probably the most stressful times that I have EVER had in my life. Within these weeks, I have been in the process of reconnecting with myself. I have realized so much about who I really am and who I want to be. My life has done a complete 180. Its insane. I am now moved back in with my parents and in the process of buying a house of my own. I have been hanging out with a couple of old friends and starting to become really close to them. Another list? okay. I have realized…

-I absolutely hate, I mean despise, being controlled by anyone at all.. I want to be able to do what I want to do whenever I want to do it.
-I need a relationship that i based on; trust and understanding
-I don’t want to live an uptight lifestyle. I want to feel my freedom.-I want to push my rights to the edge.. to the limits.. my freedom of speech, silence.. everything!
-My friends are quite very important to me and I will never let them go again.
-I want to be able to be selfish.
-This life is way to special to spend anytime on BS.
I hardly know anything about myself anymore because I changed myself to make someone else happy so they would be with me. I really hate that. I hate that I’m thinking about what someone else would think or say when I’m making a choice for myself.

I feel pretty messed up.. but I’m starting from rock freaking bottom and I’m building a mountain! I don’t need anyone who doesn’t need me.. So I’m back blogging.. and this is honestly the greatest feeling in the world right here. ❤