2 steps forward; 1 step back

These past 2 weeks have seriously been the worst weeks I’ve had in a very long time. Starting it out my car ended up in a super big ditch. Lucky no one was hurt and my car ended up fine. It took 2 trucks and 45 minutes to pull my car out. Thank God for friends, right?

I also fell on the ice and busted my knee open. So it has been bruised and trying to heal up for almost a week now. Lastly, a super close friend of mine hurt me really bad. I’m not going to go into details, but I’m over it and I have a plan. I think I’m turning out to be crazier than I thought I was. I’m planning on brutally ripping his heart out of his chest. Its going to take months, but I’m going to make him wish I would have just killed him. Killing him would be way too nice. Putting him out of misery, I’ll pass. (:

I also passed my CNA test. I have an interview Tuesday and I know I’m getting the job. I’m so excited to be busting my butt for actually good money. I’m so tired of living pay check to pay check.. But do you know what? I’m doing it! On my own.

My ex told me once that I’d never be able to make it on my own, and that was buried into my head.

I am proving him wrong every single day! (:

-MHC

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paint you by numbers & color you in <3

The last time I wrote, back in August, I thought my life had done a 180. It turns out I was completely wrong. I have no doubts about it. In May, I lost some who I believed was my world, my everything. I would have bent over backwards for him. I would have done anything for him. I didn’t think I could live without him, or I could be with someone else. I felt as though he was the thread holding me together. Its almost unreal when your limits are overwhelmed and you cant hold on anymore, how easy it is to say you’re leaving. It amazes me even more how hard it is to walk out with that last bag in your hand. Its amazing that even in closed mindedness, God gives you the strength to keep walking.

Several months later: It turns out that when you are so deep with someone, you wake up to the most brutal reality. The type of reality that feels like you’re dying or maybe, dying would hurt less. Laying on my kitchen floor, bottle in hand, and just like a light switch turning on, it hits you. It hits you right in the bottom of your gut, like a knife. You feel helpless and alone. Staring back at a stranger in your bathroom mirror, it hits you even harder. Thoughts soaring, “Why me? Is this my fault? Why did I leave?” Minutes later, at this particular point, you’ve hit rock-bottom and can no longer find life inside of you. God has to be watching because a second later, you see something in staring back at yourself. Thoughts and reasons come to your mind, “You deserve better. Certain things were not right. You deserve to be happy with someone who you make happy without trying.” Almost everything in my life is no longer the same as it was last May, 7 months ago.

He, of course, has moved on. The most heartbreaking thing about that is that he is with someone he said he despised. Someone he said disgusted him. Then you think, maybe he just needs someone to fulfill him. Then you think again, its not your problem; nothing you no longer have to deal with. So then you smile.

I have a house all to myself now. An empty, open, and lovely house with so much potential. Sometimes, it gets lonely, but its peaceful. My own little getaway. I’m getting a kitten soon. In just a couple weeks, it wont be so lonely. The only this is that I cant disappear for days at a time, Ill have to take care of it. I’m not complaining though, it will be good to be distracted.

I got myself fired from the salon Ive been at for a year and 6 months. I have missed a couple appointments within my time being there for multiple, legitimate reasons (car troubles/ alarm clock). A little over a week ago, I missed an appointment and they gave me 2 weeks to get my life together. I took that as, “in 2 weeks, you need to pack up your stuff”. So I started my search for a new salon. Thank God, I found one a couple days ago. I’m not starting there for a couple weeks though. So today, I missed another appointment thinking that it was at 11 am instead of 10 am. Oops. In summary, they had me pack up all of my things then. My whole entire career is in my living room.. At first, I was really mad and upset at myself. I had 2 more days, TWO and then I was out of there for good. I guess fate just couldn’t wait. I don’t think I really believe in fate, I just believe in God’s plan. But after crying and hitting my steering wheel during a 10 minute panic attack, I was fine.

I still have the job in the restaurant, so its not a huge deal right now. Soon, I wont even have that, Ill be doing CNA work. That’s when my life will be a full 360 within 8-9 months. I honestly, try my best to look at the positive side of things. Not that its what my goal was, but I’m independent now. I am almost 20 years old and I have 2 jobs, a car, a house, and soon a kitten. My mental state is whats getting the best of me. My mind goes a hundred miles an hour, constantly. Lack of sleep, motivation, and desire.. my depression likes to act up. I’m getting better control of it though, and currently trying to get control of my life. Its just hard, especially all I want to do is distract myself or be completely alone.. there’s no medium, no grey area. Was there ever a grey area in my life though? I don’t think so. On top of all of this, the adult life isn’t a walk in the park.

I don’t think God wants me to find love right now. I think he has bigger plans for me at the moment. You cant depend on hardly anyone these days. There always has to be lies and games. I know he just wants me to find happiness in myself.. And right now, I’m content with myself. I’m becoming comfortable with myself again, gaining confidence. Even though writing takes a lot of energy, it makes me feel so much better. It allows me to organize my thoughts and have direction with them. If anyone still reads this anymore, it will surprise me. Either way, I’m glad to get them out. I need to do it more often. ❤

 

 

It’s been a while..

I havnt wrote in what seems like forever.. I’ve lost the sight of what I am and what I want to be. Nothing is more beautiful than life right now. Everything seems to be in it’s place except for the “love” part of my life..  Which in all reality, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m okay with being alone. Yes, I do want a beautiful family in the future, but right now, I’m okay with doing me. I honestly wish I could start over the past 2 years and do it differently.

Maybe Zach and I would have turned out different, and ended differently or not at all. Maybe from the Begining, we would have realized that we are no good for eachother. But anything could have happened if you sit here and play with the “what ifs”, but I do it all the time. I do miss our memories terribly, but I know that there will be more to come.. And that’s what life is, passing memories. I have figured out who I am. I’m in the process of piecing myself back together.. But then I have flashbacks.. 

the smell of him; coming home from work and finding himself sleeping on the couch, riding bicycles to largo and back, my first run with him, first everything..  

and this makes me extremely upset.. And I feel as though if he would, we could be beautiful again.. But then I remember the bad, and I just go back to being depressed.. Then I look at what I have.. People around me who love me, a faster growing career, and myself. And this exact moment, I remember who I am and what I want from this world. This moment, I’m content with myself. These moments, I’m growing the love for myself I need so badly..these moments, I find the happiness I need; the light in the dark. 💜-MHC

 

 

 

Just one please..

The thing is.. I don’t want fun. I don’t want games. I don’t want a fling or to be the other girl. I want to be a top priority, the one and only. I want to be loved by someone, not infatuated by someone.. I just want something real.. ❤ MHC

Kissing Frogs

Maybe one day I’ll find that guy for me.. A Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet and love me unconditionally. Maybe he will understand me, forwards and backwards.. Maybe he will have the same way of thinking as me.. Maybe I already met him.. Maybe I’ve messed everything up, including my chance to ever find happiness in my love life. I guess only the stars know.. (:

Untitled Rambling..

The loneliness has set in.. I miss being able to tell someone all of my thoughts and feelings.. I now am pushing everyone away.. I can’t take this stress anymore.. In 8 days, I’ll have a house.. Great, something to distract me from myself. Lately, I’ve been spending my free time alone. Yes, I still socialize but not like before. I can’t wait to have a stable place that I can call my own and where i can just breathe.. It’s hard to find the words to say to even talk. I can’t even count how many times I’ve wrote long texts and didn’t have the guts to send them.. It would be so much easier if they’d text me first.. Just to show that all those words of caring and love just a couple weeks ago, hasn’t disappeared.. I guess time is my only partner now.. But is it even on my side? I guess we will find out..

Stuck in between

What do you do when it feels as though it’s time to move on? When you are ready to stop being low and looking for something to make your feelings and thoughts go away.. At least for a little while. I believe that there comes a point when you need to let go, in order to protect yourself from getting hurt. Ultimately in the end, you are the only one who knows what’s best for you and who can protect you. It’s such a tough situation.. It rips my heart strings when I know he’s out with someone else.. And that’s something, that I need to get over.. I know I’m out with friends and he feels the same way.. Maybe it’s this stage in our breakup. Once I get this sorted through, then I can start working on myself, again.. Just the past couple days it has been awful dealing with this.. Soon enough, the universe will work itself out.. If we are meant to be soul mates, friends, or anything, we will.. Because it will workout on it’s own. (: